The whole tooth and nothing but the tooth

Dear Reader,
If you haven't read "Poopy week" then please read that first so that you will fully grasp this situation.

For those who have read the previous post you might have an inkling of what is about to come. Yes, I requested prayer today on FB for my dog's poop. I have been smashing poop for 6 days praying each time to see white at the end of the pile.

Sunday a week ago Seth took out his flipper and set it in the chair next to him. While he ate lunch my no-longer-angel dog stole his tooth! We finished lunch and Seth reached for his tooth. It wasn't there. He accused me of stealing it! I've only hidden it as a prank a FEW times. When I said it wasn't me one word erupted as a scream from his mouth. "KALI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" We both ran to her bed and sure enough she was curled up cozy as you please gnawing on the roof part of his flipper. The tooth part was gone. Again.

Yes. I fell over laughing. Seth wasn't so amused. He had to preach that night!!! I laughed all through the service. I shouldn't have laughed. Even though Seth was
home this week he said since I thought it was so funny I earned the right to smash warm dog poo again.

For six days I have smashed pile after pile. That dog has a GREAT colon. No tooth. Today I flipped all the couches over, cleaned out closets, swept, mopped and cleaned every inch of this house looking for the tooth. I haven't found it yet. So, as you close your eyes tonight and say your bed time prayers think of me standing in the rain and cold with a flashlight, waiting for the dog to poop yet again. If we don't find the tooth I'll be squishing brown goo til Jesus comes or until we find $1000 in the dog poo to replace his tooth. And that is the tooth, the whole tooth and EVERYTHING BUT the tooth.

You're not....sassy

I've never been a twig. You know what I'm talking about. Those skinny girls that have more weight in their makeup than in their legs. I hate them...in Christian love of course.

Two small boys have added many curves to my already poofy body and I have struggled to lose the unloved love handles. They are very loving though and stubbornly hang on.

The other day I went outside to get some sun. Not a cloud in the sky and I got all comfortable on the porch and suddenly the sky was pitch black and angry. I went back in grumbling to myself and then it hit me...when a fat girl goes out to soak up some rays what else is gonna happen??? I soaked them ALL up. :)

I have a saying on the phone when a family member calls. They will ask how I am and I say "I'm fat and sassy." My loving father-in-law called one day and I answered with my standard greeting. I heard the laugh in his voice as he said "you're not (LONG PAUSE) sassy!!" it's our joke now... :)

I have stretch marks that glow in the dark and a belly that tries to either hang to my knees or make a 4th chin, depends if I'm sitting or standing. Even with all my new beauty marks I've decided that you're supposed to be comfortable with your body so I'm making mine as roomy as possible.

Psalms 139:14A I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made

Sometimes a little more fearfully than wonderfully but either way, still God made and loved. :)

I've been committed

*All things posted have been edited and approved by Seth Green. :)

I'm watching all these 'young' couples who have just gotten married or who are about to embark on the INSTITUTION of marriage and I think to myself, ANYthing called institution needs to be thoroughly investigated before diving in. Insane asylums are institutions, which my mother says it's not so bad there, and schools are institutions. (How much did you enjoy THAT little adventure in life?) To better understand my musings I googled the word 'institution' and here are the definitions I got.


1. A society or organization founded for a religious, educational, social, or similar purpose.

Okay, that's not too bad, but the SECOND definition certainly rings a bell.

2. An organization providing residential care for people with special needs.

That is marriage in a nutshell. I really couldn't have said it better. Seth provides the residential care and I have the special needs.

Now that we have defined marriage we should continue on with my observation of these moony, icky, mushy couples. I just want to boink her in the eyes and say "I give ya 2 years of his morning breath and crusty socks and that will wipe the romance right out of everything girl!"

Seth's on the other side of me scribbling a quick note to the guy, "Whatever you do, DO NOT have a kid right off. You think you know your woman? They turn into these eating machines, that whine and cry about pains in places you have never HEARD about and you never ever wanna see. Keep your head low once a month, and hide the kitchen knives. You have two good weeks out of the month before her hormones take over. When that happens TAKE COVER and say only two words. I'M SORRY!"

So what is the difference between love and REAL love?

Love: Dinner in candle light with rose petals.
REAL love: Lighting a match after your husband leaves the bathroom and scrubbing grass stains out of the knees of his pants.

Love: Morning pillow talk
REAL love: His morning breath wakes you from a dead sleep.

Love: Holding hands and smooching 24/7
REAL love: Watching him dig to China in his nasal passage and grimace as THEN he reaches for your hand, which you relinquish just thankful he didn't EAT his treasure.

Love: Just knowing that hubby will keep your car clean for you because that's a "man" job you'll never have to do again.
REAL love: Getting in the driver's side of the car, adjusting the seat and coming up with a sticky booger on your hand that YOU didn't put there.

Love: Falling asleep cradled in each other's arms.
REAL love: Counting the seconds in-between the next fog horn snore and thinking of ways to commit the perfect murder just so you can get some SLEEP!

Love: Romantic strolls through a park or on the beach.
REAL love: Getting stranded 2 miles from civilization and hiking the said 2 miles in heels because your guy forgot to get gas. (But doing it with a smile because if you say one word you won't need gasoline to fuel THAT explosion. Atomic bomb wouldn't have the edge on that..he's a ticking time bomb. Just smile and again think of the perfect murder.)

Love: Thinking he's the most handsome man on the planet
REAL love: Him showing you how beautiful you are when you're 2 years pregnant with your second child.

Yes, marriage is an institution. You have to be a little crazy to enjoy all of it. Although marriage has it's ups and downs and as I watch all these youngsters I think back to when I was where they are, and even though I'm not that old myself, if I had to do it all over again; I'd find Seth sooner and marry him faster. I'd also make sure he had a good life insurance policy for when I DO finally figure out that perfect murder...probably sometime early tomorrow morning as I lay there and listen to his tonsils beat each other to death.

Little People

Life with a 3 year old is so draining. College wasn't this draining! Being married to Seth is ALMOST this draining but not quite. I can feed him and he's quiet for a minute or two. ;)

The rules of parenting just aren't fair! You figure out one stage and the next day they change it all up on you! You have your kid sleeping through the night and then they decide it's necessary to sprout teeth. They don't sleep and YOU don't sleep. You get the teeth thing under control and then they start to crawl. Is that really something that needs to happen? I think Jr. is adorable in his very stationary play pen or walker or swing or whatever they're in that DOES NOT MOVE. But no, they have to start crawling, which leads to pulling up (and pulling things DOWN) and then they start walking. Then your life is REALLY over. The bathroom used to be my sanctuary. Looong bubble baths where you hide from the world with only your nose and eyes exposed so you can breath and read a book. Now I dash in, lock the door and listen to the screaming from the other side. As I hurry as fast as I can I watch as they poke things under the door. It took them a while but they've finally realized that their heads won't fit so hands, arms, toys, my favorite dishes, all get shoved under the door. To get off course a bit, I saw a quote once that I often think of. The world never beats a path to your door....unless you're in the bathroom.

Back to the unfair rules of parenting; now you have a walking child and everything in the world suddenly seems very large and dangerous because you know it can crush your baby. Just as you get the hang of that they start talking! At first it's so cute. Every new word is a treasure. When Donnie was 2 I baby sat a 3 year old little girl. That child never stopped talking from the second she walked in until the second she walked out. I told my mother in law how it was driving me insane and she laughed. She said "It's the stage she's in. You grow into the stages with your kids." I found that she was right, for the most part. However, Donnie is now in that talking stage. I think I'm gonna need some growth hormones for this stage. I promise you, sometimes I think my ears are bleeding. I've never hated the word "why" so much. I don't KNOW why! To add to his chatter box stage he's now developed a whiney but sassy mouth. I really shouldn't be surprised. I am his mother after all so he comes by most of the talking and sass honestly.



This week he asked for something. When I told him "no" he said "You are mean, and cranky, and grouchy!" I didn't know he KNEW any of those words and I really wanted to laugh. "Honey, just because Mommy says no doesn't make her all those things. That wasn't very nice."
Donnie says, "Well, you SHOULD say yes."

Mothering is a full time job. It's constant "Don't touch that!
Do you need to eat? Pizza is not breakfast food. Why are doughnuts breakfast food, umm, ask your dad.
Aw, you need a diaper change. Oh, you need ANOTHER diaper change.

Sticks don't go into your eyes. No, not your ears either.
I don't why your poo is brown. Is mine brown? Hmm..can't say I've check lately.
Sure I'll read you a book...THAT one again?
Why are you all wet?? Mud puddle in the yard huh, how did I miss that?
Don't poke your brother. Don't bite your brother. Don't lick your brother. Head butting is a no-no. Don't dump water on your brother. Don't pull your brother's hair.
No screeching in the house. No screeching outside! Birds are dropping from the sky!

By the end of the day I sit down on a mountain of laundry and see tiny, sticky foot prints all along my half mopped floor and I wonder what in the world did I get done today?? Then my 1 year old wraps his chubby arms around my neck and gives me the most disgusting but sweet kiss I've ever had, and my 3 year old pounces in my lap and I see how happy they are, and my life is complete.

Donnie's night time prayers are the icing on the cake. About 3 weeks ago I told Donnie that he can talk to Jesus about EVERYthing. God wants to hear all about his day. Donnie has taken me up on it, and I LOVE to hear what comes out of his mouth. Tonight he prayed "Dear Jesus, please help me to be good, and to get new tires on my bike, and for me to help GiGi and to play with Uncle Philip's phone and Jenn Jenn's phone and Momma's phone. Maybe I get a phone too? (Never. LOL) Be wif Daddy and Papa and I love you, amen."


Today when I was in the middle of all of the craziness of Motherhood I comforted myself with the thought "You know, every other Mother out there knows what I'm feeling." And then, that thought scared me because if every other Mother out there is feeling like this there are some crazy nut jobs, just like me! So my doors are locked tight and my windows are barred and I'm sitting here eating chocolate...and I know I'm okay. I took my prozac.

Poopy week :)

Let me start by saying that EVERYthing I'm about to write is the truth. It really did happen. It really, really did. I MENTIONED in an earlier blog about Seth and his tooth. I really need to start at the beginning. Seth has a false front tooth. (Left front to get technical) When he was a teen some kid elbowed him in a basket ball game and Seth lost his tooth. He wears what is called a "flipper." If you could take the roof of your mouth out and have a left front tooth hanging off of it, that is what a flipper looks like. It's really gross. Watching Seth brush his flipper (He has to hold it in his hand) really makes me dread getting old and getting dentures. It's not a turn on, I'll tell ya that. Anyway, this flipper only has the one tooth on it, and is kind of fragile. They are NOT cheap to replace. About 3 months ago Seth bit into some meat and broke the "tooth" part of the flipper off of the "roof of the mouth" part of the flipper. To save money Seth went and bought super glue and put it back together. It's held up for several months!

Sunday afternoon Seth put the flipper down on the nightstand. My dog Kali who has NEVER chewed anything decided it was yummy. I heard her gnawing on something and I assumed it was her bone. After I while I was getting tired of her grinding and I hollered at her to quit. She got up and I saw the "roof" part of the flipper!! I panicked! I ran over there and it was only the roof. No tooth!! I looked everywhere and didn't' see it. So, I found Seth and told him that the dog ate his tooth. He took it pretty well, and we spent the next 20 minutes looking for the tiny white tooth part of the flipper. We didn't find it. It's Sunday afternoon. Seth has to leave on business after church WITH NO TOOTH! We aren't from Arkansas and people around here (or on the business trip he had to go on) aren't really impressed with toothless people. Seth's parting words to me (so romantic, I cherished them all week) were "Watch that dog's poop! I want my tooth back!"

If you read my previous blog you know that I watched her closely and smashed each pile of warm disgutingness until I found it. I carried it on the smashing utensil I was using to my kitchen where I put it into an empty green bean can and filled that can up with soapy, bleach, peroxide, alcohol, febreeze, downy, tide, and scrubbing bubble water, and threw the smashing utensil in the trash. All of this was Monday. I left that tooth in my brew all week. Seth was coming home Thursday. He was SO happy I found his tooth because it was going to take WEEKS to get a new one. Thursday I had Esther and Joanna come over and while they were there I decided to leave them to watch my boys and I'd run a few errands. When I got back Joanna had done all my dishes! She is so sweet. I saw her and Esther out the door and started supper. Then it hit me...THE CAN OF GREEN BEANS WAS GONE!!!!!!!!!!!! I dug through the trash and there it was. NO TOOTH! I called Joanna and asked her what she had done with it. She had dumped it down the drain!!!! I go running across the house to look for plastic gloves. I was hollering "SHOOT, SHOOT SHOOT!" Before I realized Donnie was behind me hollering "Soot, soot, soot, soot" What side of the sink??? She said the left side and I felt a bit better, for a second. That side is my disposal. I couldn't find my gloves. Okay, I don't know if I have mentioned it but I'm a bit of a germ-aphobic. I don't change other people's kids, I don't touch slimy things, I don't put my hands into dirty water and I NEVER EVER EVER EVER put my hand in my disposal. That is like the unholy grail of all things disgusting and slimy. I knew Seth was going to kill me. I lived through WARM dog poop smashing, I guess I could live through this too. I dug in that disposal for 5 minutes. I pulled out things that NOAH had lost. Slime covered everything...I really was considering death by Seth a better option and then, I FOUND IT! I pulled that stupid tooth out of the drainer and dunked it back into a new brew of cleaners. I was so happy! I quickly poured some acid onto my hand to clean it. It's okay, no pain, no gain. Gotta be clean!

With my good hand I dialed Seth. I told him "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that your sisters helped me clean house today. The bad news is they dumped your tooth down the drain." From the other end of the phone he starts to scream "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NO! NO! NO! NO!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" I said "babe! I.... ("NOOOOO!) "Babe, wait!" (NOOOOOOO!!!!!!) Finally he stopped hollering long enough to hear me say "BUT I FOUND IT!" Then Seth starts to laugh and laugh and laugh, and then he starts to CRY! And then he starts to laugh and cry together. Then he says "I have to go, I think I'm hormonal.." The tooth is still sitting in the brew. Seth has to glue it back together this weekend. He's a brave soul, and he must really hate kissing cause I sure ain't gonna kiss him ever again! (okay, maybe I will if he gargles with bleach first) So that my friends is the story of the lost and found tooth. I tell you, it has been a POOPY week. :D

My week with Donnie

What a C-R-A-Z-Y week! I am the master of all things bonkers but seriously, even this week has me saying "I think I need to see a shrink and invest in some happy pills." (Not for real...) Through this insane week my boys have kept me laughing. Donnie has inherited his mother's quick wit (Notice I do understand my "wit" is singular and not plural. I only have one... :) and his father's bargaining power. It showed up Wednesday when we had an issue over his shoes. Donnie has hit the "whine, whine, whine stage." It is seriously about to drive me up the wall. I said "Donnie, take your shoes off." Instantly the whine box "I caaaaaaaaan't, I caaaaaaaaaan't." They are croc's for heaven sake, yes you caaaaaaaaaaaan. After about 2 minutes of the I caaaaaaaaaan't he finally managed to slip them off. As soon as they were off he said "Can I have your phone?" I told him "No way! You were just whining and Mommy doesn't like whining. If you whine you don't get prizes." A fountain of tears erupted. By this time my mommy heart has turned off to all tears and I see right through this act. "Go to bed Donald Lewis Green. When you are done crying you may come out." Oh the wails that came from that room for about 5 minutes. Finally it got quiet and I heard his door creak open. He walked back into the living room and

with the tears still fresh on his face he says "Can I have your phone." I repeated, "Donnie! You WHINED about your shoes and then cried when I said no! All of that is very naughty! NO PHONE!" He meekly looks up at me and his father's bargaining side took over. "How about dis," he says, "Is this a good idea? How about I put my shoes back on, then take them off without whining!!" My jaw hit the floor. He's THREE! I am a grown person and don't think that way. (I agreed to his bargain too, the little jew.) Later that night as I was putting him to bed we were talking about how old he is. I asked him how old he would be on his birthday. He told me 4, and then I asked "What would you like for your birthday." Without batting an eyelash he said "A phone." I couldn't help but laugh and I told him that he's WAY too young for a phone but what else would he like. Again, without even thinking about it he said, "Money! Lots of money." He's not even a teenager yet...Lord help me. Probably my favorite Donnie moment this week was when I made stuffed peppers. Seth hates green peppers and since Seth wasn't home this week I thought I'd treat myself. I made some very delicious stuffed peppers. I forgot that I have mini-Seth's living with me though and BOTH boys hated the green peppers. I told Donnie "You have to eat ONE bite." After much bribing and a few dire threats he ate his bite. After he fulfilled his duty I scraped the insides out of the pepper for him. When I placed the pepper to the side Donnie picked it up and examined it. There was some white stuff on the inside left from the seeds. Donnie asked "what is that?" I told him it was part of the pepper, God made it that way." Donnie asked "God made peppers?" "Yes He did, Donnie" Donnie's next question... "So, God don't LIKE me?!" Today Donnie was a bit rowdy and I had to get onto him. He cried his heart out for a few minutes but then he developed a grouchy attitude about being in trouble. He stuck out his lower lip and started wallowing on the floor, wiping his face on my pillow. I started to scold him. "Donnie, no pouting and don't wipe your face on my pillows, please." Donnie looked very hurt and said "But I HAVE to wipe my cries (tears) off!" And finally, tonight I put Donnie in bed at 8:00. He's been sick and needs some extra sleep. At 10 I went to check on him and he's still awake!!! He had stripped naked, stripped his bed and all the bed clothes and pillows were on the floor! "Donald Lewis Green! What are you DOING?" Donnie said "I'm just finking" "Thinking about WHAT!" "I was finking about how I don't want to get in trouble" He didn't get in trouble. It's hard to scold a kid who's so cute and so quick on his "finking" feet.

Because, I am the mother, I AM the mother, I am the MOTHER...

Today was one of those days that it would take quite a pay-off if you wanted me to repeat it. As I sit here in my comfy chair and look back I have to laugh about it, and if I have to laugh I think I should share because surely there are others out there who will find my pain amusing. (I always find yours amusing, so why not? :) It actually started last night. My angel dog who never gets into ANYthing decided that my husband's $800 dollar artificial tooth (for his missing FRONT tooth) would make an excellent chew toy. She ate it! Seth had to leave for the week and so he gave ME the lovely job of poop checker. Yes, he wants me to watch the dogs poop for the tooth. So gross, but $800 is $800 and without that tooth he's gap-toothed for the next couple of weeks. That is kinda awkward for a guy who leads singing for his church and is a salesman the rest of the week. People tend to stare if you have a hole in your mouth, especially in the front. So instead of letting Kali out to do her ick on her own I have to stand on the porch and watch her every move as I hold Danny and try to keep Donnie from pooping in the yard WITH Kali. (yes, he has done that) Donnie woke up this morning with hives. Have you ever tried to explain to a 3 year old why they can't scratch something that itches? Yeah, good luck with that! Danny woke up with a fever so he was cranky and clingy. No big deal, I'm super mom. I can handle that! Also, we are starting Donnie on a gluten and dairy free diet to try and help his allergies. He suffers from so many allergies and from what I read about gluten, even if you're not allergic it's hard for your body to digest and yada, yada, yada, this isn't a health blog. To make it short and sweet, gluten is in EVERYthing and if it doesn't have gluten it has dairy. So, cooking is a challenge and trying to fill Donnie up is like me trying to lose weight eating Ben and Jerry's. (ahhh, that sounds so good.) So, Mr. Itchy and Mr. Cranky were making my life a bit complicated and then I realized I was out of diapers and formula AND there wasn't much in my house that was gluten free so I HAD to make a grocery shopping trip. So, I let Kali out, checked her ick (so much fun) packed up the boys and was walking out the door when I realized my purse was missing. I looked, and looked, and looked, and LOOKED for that purse. I couldn't find it anywhere. I called my in-laws thinking they had taken it on accident because it looks like my sister in law's purse. No purse anywhere. Danny has been screaming the whole time and Donnie is "helping" me look for it by pulling clothes off hangers in the closet, dumping over laundry baskets, emptying out the fridge.... My purse has all my money and cards in it. I finally remembered that Donnie had been filching quarters out of it so I had hidden it behind my pillows on my bed. Good job Sarah, you just cost yourself half an hour and a LOT of irritation. I had to get some things from one store and other things from another. At the first store as I'm checking out I got SEVEN phone calls and FOUR texts. No one has called me all day..what in the world? I pack the boys back into the car and head to the next store. Of course my boys whined all through the store. Donnie was hungry, Danny had to be changed TWICE and he still isn't feeling well and his fever was up to 101.3. I finally get to the check-out and as she is ringing up the last of my items I realize I can't find my cards or cash ANYwhere. I check the diaper bag, my purse, the diaper bag, my purse, my pockets, DONNIE'S pockets...nothing. I look at the grumpy cashier and said I'm leaving the big one, taking the small one, I'll be RIGHT back I think my cards are in the car. Of course I'm checking out on the OTHER side of the store than where I parked and of COURSE I parked in the back of the parking lot thinking "Oh, I'll park back here, it will help me get my 10,000 steps in for the day." I am RUNNING thru the store with my 20+ lb kid bouncing on my hip. I get to the car, no cards. I JUST had them at the other store. I RUN back into the store. I asked the cashier if she could suspend my transaction. She kindly did so, and I parked my full cart at the customer service desk and decided I must have left my cards at the first store. I thought "No, biggie, I'll look up their number on my handy iPhone and call them." I can't find my iPhone. Not in my pocket, not in my purse, not in the diaper bag. I had left it at the register... Okay, found that now to find the first store's number and call them. No cards were left there. I don't usually feel like screaming, like a for real turn purple and scream just because I can scream. I was starting to feel like that might be a good idea at this moment. I KNOW I have those cards somewhere. So, I leave the FULL cart at the desk, pick up both boys, walk ALL the way across the store (again) walk all the way across the parking lot (again) put both boys in their seats and dump out my purse into the the floor of my car. There were my cards. Danny by now is in full blown "I AM SO TIRED IF YOU TOUCH ME AGAIN I'LL SCREAM TIL JESUS COMES" mode. Donnie was asking 4,000 why questions and begging to eat, ride the pony, not hold my hand, etc. Back into the store we go...and there is a little old man sitting on the bench outside the door. He's seen my grand exit, entrance, exit and entrance. I smiled at him and said "It has NOT been my day" and he smiled back and said "Well, you have quite a pair of cute boys." I almost asked him if he wanted them because they make good pets but decided against it. There was a mile long line at the customer service desk but after a while I finally made it to the front. They re-rang me up and I'm bouncing Danny for all I'm worth. They hand me enough change to buy food for a 3rd world country. I had left my emptied purse in the car in my deranged flight back into the store. Donnie is pulling on my skirt on one side, Danny is drooling and crying on my other side so I just place the change into the plastic bag with the milk, pick the bag up off the counter to place it in my cart and all 40,000 coins go clanging to the floor through a hole in the bag

. Donnie was like "Oh YAY!!" He's dodging under feet and saying "Here's another one Mommy!!" Tiny old women are being trampled as Donnie scavenges the floor for all the coins. I collect my son and what little (if any) dignity I have left and (once again) march past the little old man at the door to load my car up and GET HOME! As soon as my hood pointed home I started to laugh...Going to the store with two small boys is a challenge on ANY given day but I had earned my weight in gold on this day. Oh...and about Kali and the tooth. When I got home I let her out. She preformed like a champ and I dug through it and there was the tooth. It's now soaking in bleach. I'm never kissing Seth again. A saying from my childhood days has been in my head since this afternoon and I never really understood it until that moment I was walking out of the store for the THIRD time...or maybe when I found the tooth in a pile of poop and grass... "I will not lay in the floor and kick and scream, I will not throw things, I will not melt down into tears because I don't know what else to do because, I am the Mother, I AM the mother, I am the MOTHER...."

Donnie (need I say more?)

Our church's camp meeting was this week. I love camp meeting. This camp meeting is where I met Seth, 8 years ago this week! This year was a little different however because I have CHILDREN. It's amazing how complicated they can make things. Donnie was in rare form to make things even more interesting. To start things off Donnie and I drove to Flint (3 hours away) on Monday to pick up Bethany, my sister in law, as a surprise for our family. They had no idea she and her little 5 month old girl, Faith, were coming! After we picked Beth up and had been on the road about an hour Faith got a little hungry so Beth climbed into the back seat to give her some snacks. I had stopped to get gas. When I got back in the car Beth told me that she had already gotten onto Donnie but she felt like I needed to know what he had done. She was standing up about to get back into the front and Donnie noticed her pretty skirt hanging there just begging for attention so he decided to JERK IT OFF!! She is in the back of my car trying to get her skirt up and personally if it had been me I would have been wanting to squash my little nephew like a bug. She's nicer than me though, so she told him why it's not nice to rip girls skirts DOWN. The next night (Tuesday) I was talking to Brother Larry Brown and his darling wife. You know that they are kind of "big shot" preacher's family and you always wanna impress the big guns. I left an impression alright. Brother Brown is a rather slight man and I'm not very tall either so I can really see his eyes, which is hard for a short gal like me. I wish I hadn't seen them... Anyway, I'm talking to the Browns and I'm wearing a knee length dress that is made of very light weight material. Before I go on, let me say that I am not a yeller. I very rarely raise my voice, it's just not something I do unless I'm super duper scared...or... Again, I'm talking to the Browns (For a short conversation it's turning into a long writing segment) and Donnie who has had about 15 lbs of candy thanks to all the people who think he's so cute so he needs chocolate, and who hadn't had a nap, and who was up about 3 hours past his normal bed-time was bouncing around like a tigger on "speed." I was trying to keep him somewhat still as I carried on this conversation and the next thing I know I feel the back of my dress hit the middle of my back. Donnie decided to flip my dress all the way up. Without thinking I screamed "DONALD LEWIS GREEN!!!!!!!" It worked! My dress was immediately dropped, however, my spittle was all over brother Browns face and blood was dripping from his busted ear drums and his eyes were as big as Texas. I really don't remember how I ended the conversation. I think I just turned around and marched Mr. Green Jr into the next room for a private "conversation." He was good the rest of the night. (And now he knows that skirts DOWN and dresses UP are BOTH no-no's) However... The NEXT night I was talking to a few friends and I turn around to look for my wild man and as I caught sight of him he was diving full force with an open mouth into my brother in law. Donnie bit him smack in the middle of his belly. Phil was just a little shocked. Donnie and I again had a private conversation... (And so now he knows that skirts DOWN, dresses UP and biting people, even crazy uncle Phil, are all no-no's) Needless to say, junk food, no sleep and lots of stimulating activity do not mix well with my 3 year old. Where was Danny all week? He learned to walk at camp meeting and in between rescuing people from Donnie I was bouncing him and trying to keep him happy. Also not easy... It was a fun, interesting week. Next year I think I'm going to send Donnie to Africa for the week and I will DEFINITELY never speak to Larry Brown again.

My life is a cartoon

When you stop doing something for a while then try to start it up again it is pretty hard! It's been a long time since I've been on this blog. It's not that anything funny hasn't happened, because you can't live with a 3 year old, 10 month old and Seth Green and live a normal life. Just doesn't happen! So, I'm standing in line at the local ice-cream shop. It's a popular place and super packed. There's a rather portly middle aged man in front of me. I wasn't really paying attention to him and obviously not paying close enough attention to Donnie because before I knew what happened Donnie smacked that guy right on the rear! The guy turns around to gawk at whoever would do that and to my horror, Donnie had disappeared behind someone else. Just little ol' me was standing there with my mouth open...Sometimes no words will work. You just can't explain away some things. A few weeks later (maybe it was days, I try not to remember) I took Donnie and Danny to the public library. Our library is AMAZING. It is so big and very beautiful. It used to be an elementary school so a lot of things are in reaching level for kids. (Water fountains, door handles, and some other things that I wish were a little higher...) We had a lot of fun picking out books and I had a tower of them in my hands. The check out desk is in the entry way of the library which is in a hall-like place that's really echoey. As I was turning to leave I have Danny in my hands and a huge armful of books. We are getting ready to walk out the door and right by the door is a HUGE red button that says "PULL in case of fire" I saw it catch Donnie's eye, and at the same time I realized that button is in perfect reach of a short person. It almost happened in slow motion. Donnie runs at the button, and the most motherly gurgle I've ever heard come out of mouth erupted in a very loud, and unfortunately echoey, strangled scream "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" But to no avail. Donnie was already running full force and slammed into that button with all he had and thank the Lord he PUSHED it. My humiliation wasn't over. Because I had hollered I scared Donnie to death and he ran back to my side in a flash. Did you know library's are supposed to be quiet places? Yeah, when people scream in terror in the middle of their echoey hall librarians don't take too kindly to that. Matronly women were popping out of the wood work, their buns coming loose from their frantic scramble to squelch the screaming nut in their library. As the army of them converged on me, my angelic son stood at my side, hands folded, perfect smile in place, and I was left standing there looking like I had lost my mind. Since then we have had MANY talks about NEVER touch the red button. Maybe if I let him watch more cartoons he would have learned that earlier in life??

In Runs In the Family

I have a friend who was married recently. I've enjoyed listening to her progress as a married lady. She shared a story with me the other day that I KNEW I had to blog. (I have her permission ;)

She has always struggled in the kitchen. She practiced for months before her marriage some easy cooking things. You know, boiling water, scrambled eggs, toast...etc. She only started 2 grease fires and her 2 egg omelets usually turned into 9 egg omelets with no charge for the shell pieces. But her determination paid off and by the time she got married she was turning into a pretty good chef!

However....
Last week she decided to make her groom a fruit smoothie for breakfast. She assembled her blender like a pro and started adding ingredients. A little of this, little of that, some ice and yogurt and she an awesome smoothie. When her hubby got home from work that night he looked a little peaked, and quite a bit thinner. At dinner he sat down rather gingerly, and before they started to eat he asked as gently as he could, "Hun, did you put a laxative in my smoothie? My friend couldn't believe he would think she was so cruel, but was curious as to why he would ask that. "NO! I didn't! WHY??" Her hubby then told her how he had to run to the bathroom all day, barely making it several times. My friend started to feel a little sinking feeling. Her mind flashed back to the morning ingredients...
Her husband saw the guilt creeping into her eyes and said "What did you DO?"
Very sheepishly my friend admitted, "Well, I didn't have regular yogurt for your smoothie so I used some of that Activia yogurt that I had in the fridge. I didn't know it would do that!!!!!"
Her poor husband wasn't quite following. Yogurt was now a laxative? My friend said, "you know, the kind on the commercial! It makes you GO"

The next morning as she prepared his breakfast her husband looked through EVERY ingredient going into the pot...

Mommy-fied

As a older teen/younger adult I worked as a cashier in Wal-Mart. Many people might look down on that job. However I have found it taught MANY life lessons. I would laugh my head off (privately where they couldn't see) at these mothers that came though my line. They would have a huge cart full of food, but the hot dogs would be on top of the bleach, the bread under the 10 lbs of potatoes and it looked like a tornado had happened to throw most of it in the cart rather than any thoughtful process of shopping. In the front of a cart would be a child between 1-3 and there would be snot crusted from his nose to his chin and a lot of times from ear to ear where it had wiped the green stuff with it's own tiny, messy hands. All around this little tyrant would be opened packages of cookies, crackers and popcorn chicken from the deli. Often you could hear shrieks of an unearthly, un-human sort coming from across the store. Cashiers would look at each other and roll our eyes. NEVER would my kid...

The Mother would have mascara smeared like raccoon eyes, her eyes would be blood shot and there would be even MORE snot spots on her wrinkled clothing. Her hair would be in a pony tail that was coming out in fuzzy pieces all over her head.

I would watch these mothers come through and the more kids they had the worse they looked. I'd laugh up my sleeve and say NEVER in my life would my child run my life like that.

Three years ago I started to feel sick. Every day I was so tired I could hardly think and I was throwing up at the weirdest times. Yep, I was gonna have a baby. Soon my body started to expand and my cute clothes were all tossed into banana boxes that I will probably never seen again. In 9 months I had a beautiful little boy. Every two hours, sometimes more, I was at his beck and call. My nice top (that I had always been a bit proud of) expanded 3 sizes and fell about 8 inches. Giving me a buddha belly wasn't enough? Thank you, Donnie.

The first night I slept 4 hours in a row I woke up feeling like I could take on the world all by myself.

Kids grow up so fast and Donnie was an angel. Never a problem, easy going and I was able to do most of the things I had before I had a kid. Then he hit about 18 months. I was in Wal-Mart. He got hungry, was tired and honestly is a bit spoiled. I found myself piling cookies, small juice bottles, and crackers into the cart for his majesty to munch on. I didn't really even think about it. We got to the check out lane and my bread was under the potatoes. That's odd...and then I heard a sound from my past...that eerie howl. It echoed around my head like a bad dream. I looked around for that horrible child making that AWFUL noise! IT WAS MINE!! There is my small dictator screaming his head off because I had taken his cookies to pay for them. It all came back in a rush and in a panic I checked my eyes. No smears. I glanced at my clothes...they were neat and pressed, my hair was done. Grant it there was ONE snot spot on my shirt but I HAD tried to get it off. I sheepishly finished up with the 19 something year old cashier. I saw her cast a long glance at my kid and suddenly I wanted to laugh at her. Never say NEVER...sucker. ;)

No matter how many snotty noses you have to wipe, how many times you are up all night with a sick/nursing baby, or the million of other things that mothers do it is all worth it when you see their little angelic faces looking at you with all the love in the world. I love being a Mommy. I will work hard to NOT be a frumpy, scary mess. My mom never was, but I have proved to myself that no one is perfect, not even your little angel. You better laugh at the embarrassing moments and enjoy the fun ones.

They know not what they do

Being a southern girl there are just somethings yankees do that I do NOT understand. When I'm in the church kitchen and it's -20 outside and the wind is howling like a 2 year old who got told "no" I think it's perfectly sane to keep all doors and windows shut tightly...VERY TIGHT. But Yankees don't see it my way. For 3 years I have watched as yankee after yankee will open that kitchen door, LEAVE IT OPEN, walk to their car, put their Bible away and come back. When I ask them WHY they always say the same thing. "I'm coming right back" What they don't seem to realize is that in the 2 minutes it took for them to tippy toe across the ice and battle the wind to their car and back, my hands AND the dish water I'm in have frozen to a solid block of ice. My toes are frostbitten and my nose is red and drippy! It makes no sense to me.

Another thing is the food. Whoever said that ONE meat, ONE potato and ONE veggie was a pot luck dinner? There are supposed to be TEN meats, FOURTEEN potato salads, EIGHT veggies (all deep fried to kill off anything that might be healthy) and then there should be TONS of pies and cakes and cookies and brownies... It just doesn't make sense.

And tea! Why would ANYone want to put HOT tea down their throat unless they had strep or a cold? You drink COFFEE hot and you drink TEA cold and sweet! Put sugar in that tea! I wanna see my spoon standing up, and feel my arteries hardening as i sip! Why can't yankees learn this stuff?

So in my three years in this foreign land I have come to blame all these endearing, frustrating traits on two words that cover all their sins. Bless their hearts they're just STUPID YANKEES.

Hang onto your shirts! I'm going somewhere with this.

So, last night I'm hanging out with a group of teen girls. We've laughed and played and had tons of fun. Then they started in on my accent. Well by george, not to be out done I started teasing them for weird yankee ways, ending it with my endearing term "stupid yankee". We all go on for about 20 minutes or so and I repeated the phrase 2-3 times. Finally one girl about 14 looks at me and says "Why do you keep calling me that? I'm not a Yankee, I live in the country!"

Poor stupid Yankees. :)

Bathroom Blews

Right now there is something controlling my life. It is a vicious little dictator. It demands I only eat certain things, I only DO certain things, only LOOK at certain things, and certainly only BREATHE certain air. If I transgress any of it's commands it punishes me with violent barfing and gagging. This mighty little dictator is only the size of a lime...my very controlling fruit inside of me, called a baby. I'm looking forward to spanking this kid...haha (JUST KIDDING!!)

So I'm trying to potty train Donnie. Just to give you a history on potty training, every dog I've ever had that wasn't potty trained I got rid of in days....so you can imagine how it's going.

Donnie, despite of his rookie mother, is doing okay with it. Last week I tried ALL week to get him to go in the toilet. FINALLY I caught him in the act and we RUSHED to the toilet. He sat there and did his business. According to all the books Mommies are supposed to do this ecstatic, hyper, poo-poo dance to let the kid know that was a totally awesome thing they just did. So, I pull him off the toilet and I committed TWO of the unpardonable sins that the little Lime has instituted into my life. I LOOKED upon the soiled water in the toilet and I inhaled the repugnant fragrance. Little Don is standing there with his hands up ready to clap for his "poo-poo" dance and instead I start hurling with a vengeance. Don has never seen me do this and I can see from the corner of my eye him standing there with his little pants around his ankles, eyes huge and round watching me lose the lunch I hadn't been allowed to eat much of. I think I set him back a few years...

I can see Donnie at 23 in in a therapy session "Doc, I just can't go to the bathroom, my mom..."

The Forbidden Fruit

In my teen years I traveled all over the USA with my family. I enjoyed being part of an Evangelist family. Because my family sang together we were often invited to banquets as the "entertainment." Have you ever tried to sing to a room full of people eating? Better yet, have you ever tried to sing to a room full of BAPTISTS who were eating? Let me tell you, they don't care a twit. If you were Faith Hill, Carrie Underwood, Bono or Elton John they wouldn't care. They MIGHT notice if you were Michael Jackson. Mrs. Smith would lean over and grunt to her hubby..."Looky there Bob! Them preacher kids is wearin more make-up every time I see them! I do declare...Pass the chicken, Dear."

One year we were invited to a new banquet. We'd never met anyone at the church. The preacher had just heard of us from a preacher buddy of his. We got to the banquet hall and we were shown where to set up our PA system. We got all set up and soon the banquet started. True to Baptist form they were all devouring the helpless poultry in fascinating quantities and in rapid time. In the midst of the fowl consumption the guy running the banquet gave us the signal to get up and sing. It's always a big deal to get SEVEN people and ALL their stringed instruments from where you were sitting to the platform. Once you GET to the platform usually one or two of the instruments has decided to come untuned and to avoid dead time dad starts talking.

On this fateful day he decided to tell the story of how my youngest brother came to the Fuller house. Joseph is the youngest and only adopted Fuller kid. Dad's spill on the subject goes along these lines..."The Bible says that the fruit of the womb is His reward. Some people aren't able to bear the reward of His blessings and because of this our family was given little Joseph." Today however dad must have drank something funky or he must have had too much fried chicken. As we were putting the final touches on the wayward instrument we hear dad say "The Bible says the fruit of the LOOM is His reward..." and in mid-sentence I saw something I'd never seen in a Baptist banquet. Every fork was stilled. Every eye was peeled to the front. The chicken in the coop in the back breathed a sigh of relief. They might be spared another day...
And my Dad is just standing there, face red, mouth open and he didn't know where to go from there. And, God as my wittness, the Pastor jumped up from his table and rushed to the front, grabs the mic and says "I don't know this guy! I had him in on a recommendation!" Dad looks at us and says "start playing 'Lord let us weep again'. It's the saddest song my family knew. WHY Dad picked that song I have no idea. We like to NEVER got through it. We sang a few more, sat our very red faces down and believe it or not that's the last time that church ever had us through!

We never let Dad talk again. (well, not for a long time anyway...)

up and coming...

I can't believe how long I have abandoned the world of blogging so long! I am back and with many updates...but all in good time.

I've been so sick all day. I'm 11 weeks pregnant and my "pregnancy updater" says that the little one is the size of a grape. All I have to say is that this is one vicious little grape! (I've nicknamed it the grape of wrath!) I've been so sick to my stomach every day. And at weird, random times I start violently...well, you know.

So tonight I'm sitting in church and I feel it coming. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. Go away sick tummy, go away. Dad Green is preaching an awesome message and I just know I'm gonna barf all over the aisle if I move the wrong way. All of a sudden I feel it coming up. I gracefully move my large caboose up from the pew and try to glide to the back of the church in Julie Andrews style. As soon as I went thru the double doors it was a mad dash for the bathroom. I found out AFTER church that the WHOLE church could hear me galloping like a herd of rabid cows to the ladies room!!! I made it in time and that's all that matters.

Visit with the Outlaws

This last week my parents came to visit! It was so nice to be with them. I haven't seen them in six months! (Seth wants to know if that's a long time?)

My family is an evangelist family. They travel and literally sing for their supper. If they get sick they go hungry. :) So, Monday they're on their way to my house. I'm so excited I can hardly stand it. About 10AM on monday morning my throat started to hurt. It hurt REALLY BAD and every inch of me was SORE. It felt like I'd done 6 hours of Tae-bo and I hadn't done any! It was really weird. By 3PM my parents were only 4 hours away and I was sick. Really, really sick. It hurt to move my EYES! I knew that if I let on that I was sick then Mom and Dad would be afraid of getting it. I decided to put up a brave front and wash my hands a lot.

Mom and Dad got here at 7PM. It was so so so so so nice to see them!!! We grilled burgers on my back porch and then we all went to the cabin where my family was gonna stay. We talked and laughed and we fell into bed late. When I laid down I thought I was dying. I'd not been this sick in years.

The next day, Tuesday, Mom and I hit all the resale shops. I love to shop and I never get to do it, especially with my Mom. It is probably one of my very favorite things to do. I was so sick all I could think was "how many resale shops ARE there in Petoskey??" Even in my death-bed illness I managed to get some good deals though. Not even death can stop me from a good deal. *grin

We got home Tuesday night and I was not about to cook. Mom and Dad scrounged up a pretty good meal. (I'm an awful hostess.) No one knew I was sick yet. I hadn't let on at all which is a big deal because I want everyone to feel bad for me when I'm sick!

Wednesday was a work day. I had to clean some houses and Mom came along. She's trying to make some extra money for a special project she's working on. We cleaned from 9AM until 5PM. We BOTH thought we were dying by this time. We decided pizza would be a good option for supper. On the way home from work my voice started acting funny. It sounded like a was a 13 year old boy going through puberty! By 9PM Wednesday night I had totally lost my voice. There was no hiding it now. Mom broke out the hazmat suits she keeps under the seats of the van and I had to admit I'd been hiding my sickness. It was hard to convince her that I didn't have any evil intentions on getting them sick. No Mom, I haven't been sneaking into your room at night and breathing on you or licking your toothbrushes.

The funny thing is, six months ago when I last saw Mom SHE had totally lost HER voice. She had to whisper the entire 2 weeks I was with her. It seems like Mom and I can't have a visit that one of us can carry on a normal conversation.

Seth was able to put all of this into perspective for us. He said, "God knows just how much a man can handle. He takes care of it for me."

Save Me from Seth!!!

It was a cold and rainy day all day yesterday. Days like that can be depressing so Seth was like a kid in the candy store when a college guy from our church, Josh, called and asked Seth if he could take him to a job interview in Traverse City. That's a town about an hour from where we live. Seth loves to drive and he needed to get out of the house!

Just so you can imagine this better, Josh is 6 ft and 8in tall. He is dark-skinned. His Mom's white and his dad's black. Josh has black curly hair and brown eyes. We live in North Michigan. There aren't a lot of people that AREN'T white up here so he REALLY stands out because of his height and because of his color.

Our sister church in TC is having revival services all week and since Josh and Seth were in town they decided to go to the services. Seth waited for Josh to get done with his interview (which took FOREVER) and they headed to the church about 7:10PM. When they walked into the lobby the church was already singing. Seth and Josh didn't want to interrupt the song so they were peeking through the crack in the wooden double doors. The doors have 18" square glass windows in each door but if you stay in the middle of the doors the pastor on the platform can't see you so Josh and Seth were standing in the center.

All the church was sitting down and they were singing the song "Coming Home" the chorus goes "Coming home, coming home, never more to roam..."

So as Seth was peeking through the crack in the door he can hear the music but that's about it. Suddenly, in the middle of the song the pastor of the church (who was leading the music) walked to the edge of the platform so he can see through the door's glass into the lobby. He was looking very intense. He bent down a little to see better and He mouthed the words "Come on. Come on." and motioned with grand motions for Seth and Josh to come on in.

Josh and Seth are clowns, especially when they feel awkward. It's always awkward to walk into a service late and it's very awkward to have the pastor motion for you to come in when they're in the middle of a song. So, Seth and Josh both decided to be a ham. They bust through the double doors like they were saloon doors in an old movie. Josh was waving like Miss America and Seth had a grin on that any mother would be suspicious of. Everyone in the church turned around and was staring and the pastor just stopped. You ever been watching a movie that all the music and acting just comes to a crashing halt? That's what happened to Josh and Seth. As the doors were swinging closed behind them they realized that the pastor had not been talking to them. He was using the words of the song to speak to his people. He was saying "Come Home! Come Home! (Grand beckoning motions) It's never too late to come home. You can come to the altar and get things right! You don't have to wait for the preaching. Come Home"

Josh and Seth just froze. They became statues glued to the back doors. They didn't even breathe. The piano started up again and the pastor started singing again. Conviction moment over, thanks guys. The church finished singing all 20 verses and as soon as they piano stopped (where it was supposed to this time) Seth and Josh slunk into the back pew.

When Seth came home and told me what happened I was SO THANKFUL I had stayed home so Donnie could go to bed on time. Church is a dangerous place...if you go with Seth :)

Life with Seth

It's 80 degrees and my poor son is in insulated jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt. It's all he has to wear. He's too big for last year's summer stuff. So, I decided to hit some garage sales today. OH MAN, IT WAS AWESOME! I went to a lot of the sales in my town and about half way through Seth called and needed to make a couple of stops in the next town over so I picked him up and we went to EJ. (The next town over) Seth made his stops and there were two million garage sales in EJ so we decided to stop at all of them that we passed. About 2 hours into our looting we stop at this little house way in the boon-docks. I get out of the car, Seth gets out of the car. We both shut our doors and Seth tries to open up Don's door. It's locked. No biggie. Don's forever locking his door. Seth tried to open the driver's door. It was locked. Now we know we're in trouble. The car has ONE button on it that locks ALL the doors. Just HOPING we're wrong I try my door. It was locked. We're locked out of our car at someone's garage sale, with my baby inside. Great. Seth had hit it with his hip when he got out of the car!

Seth gets out his phone and starts looking for the number for a tow truck. Hello, I'm garage saleing...trying to SAVE money. Not blow it on a locksmith dude. Besides they would take FOREVER to get there and even though we're parked in the shade it's gonna get hot fast in our little car. All the windows are up and Don's looking at me like, "Mom, can we go already??" I told Seth we should call the cops. Normally they won't open your car up for you if you just lock your keys in but since there's a baby involved I'm betting they would and they'd be a LOT faster getting there. (And it is free) So, Seth calls 911. "Hi, my name is Seth Green. I locked my kid in the car..." Who on earth does this happen to???? (besides us)

I walk up the short drive to the house and tell the lady that I'm sorry but there will probably be cops here in a few min. We locked our kid in the car. Her eyes bug out and she's says "Is he okay?" I'm like oh yeah! He's great!

For 20 minutes we wait for the officer to get there. While we are waiting Donnie starts to cry so I sing every silly song I know. The people coming in and out of the garage sale see a demented woman singing songs to her car making hand motions and "happy" faces.

Finally the cop shows up. He's the nicest guy on earth! He got Donnie out in 2 minutes flat! I'm going to include a picture of Donnie and the officer. (Yes, I'm one of THOSE mother's. "Thanks for saving my son who I almost roasted to death, can I have your picture??? LOL)

Get this though, that officer is the SAME officer who fished Seth out of the lake several winters ago when Seth flipped his car into the water! Small world, right?

With Don safely out I went back up to the garage sale and told the lady we were good. He was only half baked. I'm sure she'll never forget that garage sale. Not to be beaten by a little bad luck Seth and I continued to "sale on" and got many more good deals. Every time Seth gets out of the car I tell him to watch his hips though.

Not even garage saleing is dull with Seth... (or safe haha)

Dirty Treasure

I have looked for a dog for months. For Mother's day Seth got me a puppy! She's a Brittany Spaniel and very adorable. Since she's a puppy I'm having to house break her. She's doing pretty good but it's a BIG JOB to house break a dog. Every thirty minutes I have to take her out. She's had a few accidents but not many. She's more work than a KID!

It's Friday night and I'm supposed to on a "date night" with Seth. Only problem is that I've been puking my guts up. So, Seth and I are on the bed (and he's under threat of death by torture if he moves the bed at all) and we're watching a movie. Donnie and my dog, Shelby, are running around playing nicely. I'm laying on my side and every once in a while Don will bring me things that he knows are bad. He found a penny and brought it to me, then he found an earring and brought that to me. My back was to the edge of the bed so he would just hand it to my from over my shoulder.

If you know me at all you know that I am a germaphobic. Shopping carts are instruments of death. If a toilet brush some how accidentally touches any part of your body, that member is an automatic candidate for immediate amputation. Dirty dish water is to be let out with a ginormous pair of tongs that you immediately drop into boiling water after they've done their civil duty of removing the plug from the kitchen sink.

From the above three paragraphs I'm sure you're wondering what in thunder they have to do with each other....

I was laying on my side, shaking all over from my violent barfing spells. I'm watching a movie and praying that Don and Shelby will suddenly get tired and go to sleep. I feel Don crawling up next to me again. He is making his special grunting noise that means he's found something he's not supposed to have. I hold my hand out for it, never taking my eyes off of the screen. It was warm. And mushy. I bring my hand to my face and there in between my fingers is Shelby's dookie ball!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I start screaming my head off. Seth has no idea what is going on. He jumps off the bed looking for blood. Some one has to be dead. I'm holding my hand up toward him screaming TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, he takes it. I have no idea what he did with it. I get up on my wobbly legs, holding my hand far above my face (and nose) and run to the bathroom. Take a quick moment to once again lose my stomach, and then proceed to wash my hand in boiling water, bleach, comet, acid, laundry soap, lye, dial soap, dove soap, and bath and body works soap. Then I wrapped my hand in plastic. I will never take it out. It's doomed to live the rest of it's sordid life hidden from the world. I'm selling the dog...

PS. Ever try to type with your hand in plastic? I might look into fingered plastic gloves. I'll wear just one. You can call me Michelle Jackson..haha

First Time Mother

I wonder if EVERY mother does at least one thing to her first born child to show the world that she is indeed a novice in the art of motherhood. I've been very proud of myself. My son will be 2 in October. I've managed to not drown him in the tub. (Ever try to give a newborn a bath? It's like trying to eat rice with one chopstick.) I've managed to calm him when he was frantic, change 4 million poop diapers, teach him where his elbow is and many other motherly tasks-all without calling major attention to the fact that I'VE NEVER DONE ANY OF THIS BEFORE!!!!! Yesterday, however, I showed the world my "first time mother" status with a flare.

Donnie had eaten lunch and I thought I'd give him a jello cup for a snack. I've never bought a jello cup (so I've never eaten one) but a friend had given me a whole pack. Don's been doing really well eating with a spoon so I gave him a jello cup and spoon, watched him for a few minutes to make sure he had the hang of it then I went into the next room. I had a lot of paper work to do so I was on my computer for a good 20 minutes. I could hear Don talking to himself in the next room. He's almost 2 now and honestly, who can choke on jello?? He was content and I was busy so I didn't go back in until he started to get a bit fussy.

I walked around the corner and the most amazing sight I'd ever seen was before me. Don was in his high chair and from his eyes down to his chest was COVERED in the fire engine red jello. He looked like the code red mountain dew version of the "Hulk" His little eyes had circles of red around them. There wasn't a millimeter of skin between his eyes and chest, where his shirt caught the rest of the jello wrath, that was the most brilliant hue of red I've ever seen on human skin. His hands and arms were bright red as well. I called Seth and we had a good laugh. We took pictures and video. Then I went to clean him off. This is where it got interesting. Did you know that jello will dye your skin?? I scrubbed and scrubbed. He was still red. I put him in the bathtub. The water and my brand new bathtub were both pink, and Donnie was still red. I had turned my beautiful little boy into a real life Bob the tomato!!

I had to run some errands and the 2 hour bath wasn't helping so I dressed my little tomato and off to the store we went. People were stopping and saying "Aww...did he get sun burned?" What was I supposed to say, "Oh yes, I'm a first time mother so I let him play in the sun for hours with no sun screen. When we leave here we're going to the doc so they can treat his 2nd degree burns." The truth wasn't a good option either. "No, he's not burnt. I let him have a jello bath. I didn't like that he was born white, I wanted a red boy." It was the fastest grocery trip I've ever made...

Today is the day after our jello incident. He's still a bit pink around the edges but I think another 24 hours in the tub and he should be back to normal. You know, everything else in this world comes with instruction manuals. Why don't kids???