First Time Mother

I wonder if EVERY mother does at least one thing to her first born child to show the world that she is indeed a novice in the art of motherhood. I've been very proud of myself. My son will be 2 in October. I've managed to not drown him in the tub. (Ever try to give a newborn a bath? It's like trying to eat rice with one chopstick.) I've managed to calm him when he was frantic, change 4 million poop diapers, teach him where his elbow is and many other motherly tasks-all without calling major attention to the fact that I'VE NEVER DONE ANY OF THIS BEFORE!!!!! Yesterday, however, I showed the world my "first time mother" status with a flare.

Donnie had eaten lunch and I thought I'd give him a jello cup for a snack. I've never bought a jello cup (so I've never eaten one) but a friend had given me a whole pack. Don's been doing really well eating with a spoon so I gave him a jello cup and spoon, watched him for a few minutes to make sure he had the hang of it then I went into the next room. I had a lot of paper work to do so I was on my computer for a good 20 minutes. I could hear Don talking to himself in the next room. He's almost 2 now and honestly, who can choke on jello?? He was content and I was busy so I didn't go back in until he started to get a bit fussy.

I walked around the corner and the most amazing sight I'd ever seen was before me. Don was in his high chair and from his eyes down to his chest was COVERED in the fire engine red jello. He looked like the code red mountain dew version of the "Hulk" His little eyes had circles of red around them. There wasn't a millimeter of skin between his eyes and chest, where his shirt caught the rest of the jello wrath, that was the most brilliant hue of red I've ever seen on human skin. His hands and arms were bright red as well. I called Seth and we had a good laugh. We took pictures and video. Then I went to clean him off. This is where it got interesting. Did you know that jello will dye your skin?? I scrubbed and scrubbed. He was still red. I put him in the bathtub. The water and my brand new bathtub were both pink, and Donnie was still red. I had turned my beautiful little boy into a real life Bob the tomato!!

I had to run some errands and the 2 hour bath wasn't helping so I dressed my little tomato and off to the store we went. People were stopping and saying "Aww...did he get sun burned?" What was I supposed to say, "Oh yes, I'm a first time mother so I let him play in the sun for hours with no sun screen. When we leave here we're going to the doc so they can treat his 2nd degree burns." The truth wasn't a good option either. "No, he's not burnt. I let him have a jello bath. I didn't like that he was born white, I wanted a red boy." It was the fastest grocery trip I've ever made...

Today is the day after our jello incident. He's still a bit pink around the edges but I think another 24 hours in the tub and he should be back to normal. You know, everything else in this world comes with instruction manuals. Why don't kids???

Warped Humor

Yesterday was Mother's day. It was a long day for me. Seth (my husband and largest child) was really sick all day. I was tired and grumpy and not a very motherly feeling mother on mother's day.

I got home from church and Seth was hungry. You all know how I'm living out of boxes. Cooking is a bit of a challenge. I went to the store, picked up some noodles, chicken breast and cheesy sauce. I made a chicken alfredo. (I was impressed with myself. I have one pan. It's an electric skillet.) I was kind of grumbling to myself as I put my mess away. It's mother's day and I was having to make a meal, not going out to eat. I hadn't used all the chicken breast so I opened the fridge up and put the raw breast onto the top shelf, next to the eggs. Then it hit me, I wondered if I had just set the same hen that had "birthed" those eggs down next to her young. "Happy Mother's day, ladies" I said to the the top shelf. Guess yours went a little worse than mine. Then I started laughing.

Seth got his phone out and started to dial the number for the little men in white coats. (He has it on speed dial cause he lives with me) I assured him I was still sane. It just tickled my morbid sense of humor.

He deserves a medal for living with this strange woman...

Feather Brain

Anyone who has met my Mother knows that she turns into a weird, strange, and often hysterically funny creature after 9PM. Last night I was talking to her and we were discussing weight loss. (A very depressing subject...)
Anyway, I was so upset because I've been on the strictest diet an working out for at least 30 min a day for a week now and I've GAINED weight!! How that is possible I do not know...it's my luck. So, I was wailing to my mother about it. I needed her sage wisdom. My timing could've been a bit better. Why I waited til 9:01 PM to ask her this question I'll never know, but the results...

Me "Mom, why am I gaining weight? I'm eating 1200 calories a day and working out at least 30 min a day."

Mom said "Sarah, you know that muscle weighs more than fat. You're not gaining weight your just gaining muscle."

Me, "Mom, a lb of fat and a lb of muscle are still a POUND so why do ppl say that muscle weighs more than fat?? That's like saying which is heavier; a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers."

Mom didn't blink, she said, well bricks are heavier, duh! I started laughing. "Mom, I wasn't really asking you that, it was more of a rhetorical question." Dad and I are both laughing so hard now at the bewildered look on Mom's face.

Mom "I don't understand. Why are you guys laughing at me? This isn't funny. Why is bricks being heavier funny?

Dad "Anne, which is heavier, a POUND of bricks or a POUND of feathers?"

Mom "Bricks! Bricks are heavier!!"

Dad and I are laughing too hard to breathe by now and poor Mommy is so confused.

Finally we explain it in detail.

Mom's closing comment..."Well, I don't like being set up like that."

I love Mom. She's awesome...

Unusable Armor

Kids have a funny perspective on life. No one sees things the way that small children do. Growing up my dad, and pastor, was doing a series on Wednesday nights on the armor of God. The helmet of salvation, sword of truth, breast plates of righteousness, shield of faith, feet shod with the Gospel.

My friend and I were about 9 and 12 (I was 12 and older and wiser in things of the world...) and just old enough to understand some of what Dad was teaching. One day while over at her house we were putting away dishes and just as serious as a heart attack my friend picked up two small plates, held them to her chest and said, "Look Sarah, breast plates of righteousness!!"

To this day I can't put away dishes from a dishwasher with out remembering the look of horror on her mother's face, instantly followed by hysterical laughter.

Bank Rub

Two years ago I worked in home health care. I took care of several elderly people and some of my duties involved driving them on errands. I had one lady who was a "favorite" of mine, I'll call her Mary. She was in the beginning stages of Alzheimer's and she could recall dates from 1910 but couldn't remember how to hold a tooth brush.

One bitterly cold January morning Mary wanted to go to the bank. The wind was blowing like nobody else's business and it was very bad white-out conditions. There was snow drifting and blowing everywhere! Now, I'm a southern girl. I am not used to snow and wind and I'm not particularly fond of all the white goo we call snow, but duty called. So, Mary and I bundled up and out the door we went. We made it to the bank in once piece (for which I was very proud of) and we decided to go through the drive through. Mary had her deposit all ready so I pulled up to the little "sucker" station. (You know, the thing that sucks up the little plastic cylinder thingy that you put your deposit slip into.) I put the car into park, rolled down my window, and grabbed the little cylinder thingy. The two seconds my little hand was out the window must've frozen my fingers because before I could get the thingy into the car I dropped it!

When I had pulled up to the bank window there wasn't a car in sight. Now I have like 50 of them behind me and now the other lane has cars in it too! I get out of the car, shut the door and look down expecting to see the cylinder thingy. It's not there. Now, because I'm from the south I REALLY bundle up. I have on tights, long johns, sweat pants, 3 skirts, 4 jackets, 2 hats...you get my drift. To top it all off, I'm several months pregnant. I can't really bend over that easy. I walk around my car hoping the stupid little cylinder thingy has rolled all the way through. It didn't. So little, round me gets down on all fours to look under my car. There it is. It's wedged between the concrete and the bottom of my car. It was wedged in such a way that if I drove forward I'd crush the dumb thing. I had to walk back around to the driver's side of car and pretending not to see the ladies in the bank gathering in the window, and the loooooong line of cars waiting, I get down on my belly in 10 inches of snow and worm my frosty-the-snowman-sized body under my car to grab the most hateful piece of plastic I've ever seen. I wrap my numb fingers around it and then try to wiggle back out. The wind is blowing my skirt up into my face and I'm about stuck under my car! All I could think was "Oh my gosh, they're gonna have to call a TOW truck to get me outta here!" Fate finally decided to let me have some shred of decency left and I managed get out from under the car.

When I got myself upright I looked up into the window of the bank drive thru and all the ladies were laughing so hard. I can't blame them...I would've laughed too, and poor Mary looked a deer in the headlights. She had no idea why I was making snow angels in the bank drive way. No one in the loooooooong line of cars looked me in the eye either. I drug my wounded ego back into my car, carefully handed the mean plastic cylinder thingy to Mary. We made her deposit and I got out of there as fast as I could.

The next week when I pulled into the bank the lady said one thing to me. "Careful, don't drop it."
Yeah, that's so nice. Just rub it in. *laugh

Donnie's First Bar

This spring has been amazing in Northern Michigan. It came SO early. Our snow has been gone since the middle of March! Last year wasn't so beautiful. It was more normal for up here. The weekend before our anniversary (which is May 10th) Seth and I decided to go have a picnic in the woods. The snow had been gone about 2 weeks or so and it was a beautiful day in the upper 50's, lower 60's.

About our car at the time. Seth bought it for thirty dollars. That's not a typo. Yes, you can buy cars for $30. Grant it, they will leave huge plumes of smoke behind you as you go. That little car got great gas milage but oil milage was a little steep. Two quarts every gas fill-up. Ah...the good old days...

Anyway...

Seth and I have a favorite spot we love to hike in. It way far away from everything and has a beautiful stream. It's very wild and untamed. It's a nature reserve that Seth and I found just after we were married. It's about 45 minutes from Charlevoix. The last 3 miles to get into the reserve are accessible only by a 2-track.

So, Seth, Donnie and I set out to go have a family picnic. When we got to the beginning of the 2 track it looked pretty smooth. It didn't look like the snow from all winter had been too bad. So, we started down the windy path in our little smokey car. (Poor trees were choking...haha) The whole 2 track is down hill as you go into the reserve and the farther in you get the more narrow the road and the higher the ridges on either side of your car get. It got bumpier and bumpier. Our heads were slamming into the ceiling. Suddenly we rounded a sharp curve and there was nothing but a bank of snow and ice. We couldn't stop. We were going downhill and there's NO WAY to turn around. We plowed into the bank of snow and ice and somehow kept on going. For another quarter of a mile we "slippy slided" downhill, on the ice, surrounded by large earth banks on either side of our car. Donnie was a sweet baby and was very quiet. I was screaming bloody murder, silently in my heart of course. Seth was chalk white and hanging onto the steering wheel for dear life. Like the magic bus we finally went airborne and landed in the middle of a grassy field. The very one we had intended to go picnic in.

Seth and I got out of the car on wobbly legs and looked up the path we had just come. There were deep ruts where the snow had melted and trickled downhill. Every inch of that hill was covered in ice. There was NO WAY we were getting back up it in ol' smokey. Well, since we made it to where we had wanted to go in the first place we might as well enjoy our picnic. Donnie was peacefully sleeping so we left him in the car, spread our blanket out and went to town. It was a delicious meal but we had to eat it fast. We had a 3 mile hike in front of us.

After our picnic we got Donnie out of the car. Now he was only 5 months old so he was still in the really little car seat. (I call them Pumpkin Seats. So if I say Pumpkin Seat you'll know what I'm talking about) I got the diaper bag, Seth got Donnie in the pumpkin seat and we started climbing up the cold, slippery, WET hill. Going DOWN that hill in a car had been easy. It was a hike straight UP the entire way. Seth and I took turns carrying Don in his pumpkin seat and finally we ended up with Seth holding one side and me holding the other. That kid weighed a ton! We walked and walked and walked and walked. I thought we'd never get out of that place. We couldn't call anyone either because of COURSE there was no cell service. After about an hour of walking we got to the main highway. There was a gas station just a little down the road. We walked to it and IT WAS CLOSED! At least we had cell service by this time so we called our good friend Jonathan Barker. He said he'd come get us as soon as he could. We sat outside that abandoned gas station for an hour. It started to get dark and really chilly. There's no where to go. We are miles from the nearest town. About .5 miles down the road I can see some lights twinkling. I asked Seth was it another gas station? He said "sure! Something like that." I suggested we walk to it. Don was well bundled but it was getting too cold for me (who had no jacket) and I really didn't like the baby out in damp, cold, night air.

We started our trek to the next gas station. There wasn't even a HOUSE to stop at. We were in the middle of no where! Seth and I were toting Don between us and a nice lady stopped and gave us a lift the rest of the way to the gas station where we would wait on JB. We get out of her van and walk into a dimly lit, smokey...WAIT A SEC! Seth took me to one of these on our honey moon! (Read Haywire Honeymoon...) I knew what this was! We were in a bar!!!!!!!!!! It was a very old, dingy place and there were only 3-4 people there. They were very nice and offered us some soda. I was so thirsty but I wasn't ABOUT to drink ANYthing in there. So, we sat in the bar for about 30 minutes. All of a sudden JB pulls up. His little truck wouldn't have fit all of us so he had brought the church van. We're sitting in this bar and JB pulls up right in front of the building. You can see plain as day BIBLE BAPTIST CHURCH written across the van. We got the strangest looks as we walked out that door. And Donnie had been to his first (and hopefully ONLY) bar.

Moral of the story. Picnic in the middle of town on concrete.

Dog Tales

*NOTE! All names and places have been changed for privacy reasons but this is a TRUE story

Recently a girl was BEGGING her husband for a dog. For months the husband refused her. Finally one day he gave her guidelines. It can't shed, it can't bark, it must be housebroken, it must be small, AND it must be free. (Basically he wanted a gerbil.) So, this wife set out on her quest. She looked and looked and looked and looked....and looked. One golden day she found it! There was an ad so she went to check out this dog. One small problem. The ad didn't have a picture to go with it. Another small problem. This girl is never ever able to say "no." It's not in her vocabulary.

So, off into the blue yonder the girl rides to meet her perfect 4-legged friend. She gets to the house and meets the dog. It's so ugly it looks like an alien. It weighs about 4 lbs so it is small CHECK! It has these huge buggy eyes. Well, cute wasn't on the list was it? The dog is a cross breed so for the most part it looks like a little bat dog (without wings of course) but it also had some wire hair wini dog in it. So growing off of the little bat-face is a goatee that any Pharaoh would be jealous of but not only does it have a goatee it has a weird line of hair growing down his neck. It looked like a mohawk that belonged to a chemo patient. All the other requirements were met though! It was free, it was small, it didn't shed (unless you count a single mohawk hair every once in a while shedding) it didn't bark, it was supposed to be house broken and it was FREE. (Seriously, I think they would've paid that girl to take that dog. If it was a dog. She is now convinced it was a cross between a bat and a demon.)

The girl loaded the tiny, housebroken, non-barking, non-shedding, FREE, ugly, dog into her car and drove home. She was so ashamed of her newly acquired friend she left it in the car for about 30 min before she had the nerve to tell her husband she got it. They went out to the car together...and there it sat. Staring at them with it's buggy eyes bulging. It was so ugly that the gruff, dog hating husband took pity! He kinda liked the dog. So, into the house we went. That dog wouldn't come near the girl. He didn't like her at all. He liked the husband well enough and was gracious enough to allow the husband to pick it up. The girl asked the husband to take the bat-dog outside for a walk. She warned the husband not to let the doggie off the leash. Thirty minutes later the girl went looking for her husband. Hm, that's weird. No husband. Maybe little bat-dog finally sprouted his wings and carried the husband off? The girl went and got her telescope to search the skies. (haha, jk) Soon the husband burst into the doors. He was flushed and panting. Nope, guess the dog was still on 4 legs. The husband hadn't listened to the wife. He let the dog off and within seconds the little dog from Hades slipped through the fence. Poor husband had to look for that dog for hours. He never found it.

There is a new item on the gerbil/dog list. Come when called. And no breeds mixed with bat.
*NOTE. The previous owner was notified and they were able to find the little devil dog. The doggie is safe in sound in his old home.