Saturday, May 29, 2010

Life with Seth

It's 80 degrees and my poor son is in insulated jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt. It's all he has to wear. He's too big for last year's summer stuff. So, I decided to hit some garage sales today. OH MAN, IT WAS AWESOME! I went to a lot of the sales in my town and about half way through Seth called and needed to make a couple of stops in the next town over so I picked him up and we went to EJ. (The next town over) Seth made his stops and there were two million garage sales in EJ so we decided to stop at all of them that we passed. About 2 hours into our looting we stop at this little house way in the boon-docks. I get out of the car, Seth gets out of the car. We both shut our doors and Seth tries to open up Don's door. It's locked. No biggie. Don's forever locking his door. Seth tried to open the driver's door. It was locked. Now we know we're in trouble. The car has ONE button on it that locks ALL the doors. Just HOPING we're wrong I try my door. It was locked. We're locked out of our car at someone's garage sale, with my baby inside. Great. Seth had hit it with his hip when he got out of the car!

Seth gets out his phone and starts looking for the number for a tow truck. Hello, I'm garage saleing...trying to SAVE money. Not blow it on a locksmith dude. Besides they would take FOREVER to get there and even though we're parked in the shade it's gonna get hot fast in our little car. All the windows are up and Don's looking at me like, "Mom, can we go already??" I told Seth we should call the cops. Normally they won't open your car up for you if you just lock your keys in but since there's a baby involved I'm betting they would and they'd be a LOT faster getting there. (And it is free) So, Seth calls 911. "Hi, my name is Seth Green. I locked my kid in the car..." Who on earth does this happen to???? (besides us)

I walk up the short drive to the house and tell the lady that I'm sorry but there will probably be cops here in a few min. We locked our kid in the car. Her eyes bug out and she's says "Is he okay?" I'm like oh yeah! He's great!

For 20 minutes we wait for the officer to get there. While we are waiting Donnie starts to cry so I sing every silly song I know. The people coming in and out of the garage sale see a demented woman singing songs to her car making hand motions and "happy" faces.

Finally the cop shows up. He's the nicest guy on earth! He got Donnie out in 2 minutes flat! I'm going to include a picture of Donnie and the officer. (Yes, I'm one of THOSE mother's. "Thanks for saving my son who I almost roasted to death, can I have your picture??? LOL)

Get this though, that officer is the SAME officer who fished Seth out of the lake several winters ago when Seth flipped his car into the water! Small world, right?

With Don safely out I went back up to the garage sale and told the lady we were good. He was only half baked. I'm sure she'll never forget that garage sale. Not to be beaten by a little bad luck Seth and I continued to "sale on" and got many more good deals. Every time Seth gets out of the car I tell him to watch his hips though.

Not even garage saleing is dull with Seth... (or safe haha)

Friday, May 21, 2010

Dirty Treasure

I have looked for a dog for months. For Mother's day Seth got me a puppy! She's a Brittany Spaniel and very adorable. Since she's a puppy I'm having to house break her. She's doing pretty good but it's a BIG JOB to house break a dog. Every thirty minutes I have to take her out. She's had a few accidents but not many. She's more work than a KID!

It's Friday night and I'm supposed to on a "date night" with Seth. Only problem is that I've been puking my guts up. So, Seth and I are on the bed (and he's under threat of death by torture if he moves the bed at all) and we're watching a movie. Donnie and my dog, Shelby, are running around playing nicely. I'm laying on my side and every once in a while Don will bring me things that he knows are bad. He found a penny and brought it to me, then he found an earring and brought that to me. My back was to the edge of the bed so he would just hand it to my from over my shoulder.

If you know me at all you know that I am a germaphobic. Shopping carts are instruments of death. If a toilet brush some how accidentally touches any part of your body, that member is an automatic candidate for immediate amputation. Dirty dish water is to be let out with a ginormous pair of tongs that you immediately drop into boiling water after they've done their civil duty of removing the plug from the kitchen sink.

From the above three paragraphs I'm sure you're wondering what in thunder they have to do with each other....

I was laying on my side, shaking all over from my violent barfing spells. I'm watching a movie and praying that Don and Shelby will suddenly get tired and go to sleep. I feel Don crawling up next to me again. He is making his special grunting noise that means he's found something he's not supposed to have. I hold my hand out for it, never taking my eyes off of the screen. It was warm. And mushy. I bring my hand to my face and there in between my fingers is Shelby's dookie ball!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I start screaming my head off. Seth has no idea what is going on. He jumps off the bed looking for blood. Some one has to be dead. I'm holding my hand up toward him screaming TAKE IT TAKE IT TAKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, he takes it. I have no idea what he did with it. I get up on my wobbly legs, holding my hand far above my face (and nose) and run to the bathroom. Take a quick moment to once again lose my stomach, and then proceed to wash my hand in boiling water, bleach, comet, acid, laundry soap, lye, dial soap, dove soap, and bath and body works soap. Then I wrapped my hand in plastic. I will never take it out. It's doomed to live the rest of it's sordid life hidden from the world. I'm selling the dog...

PS. Ever try to type with your hand in plastic? I might look into fingered plastic gloves. I'll wear just one. You can call me Michelle Jackson..haha

Thursday, May 20, 2010

First Time Mother

I wonder if EVERY mother does at least one thing to her first born child to show the world that she is indeed a novice in the art of motherhood. I've been very proud of myself. My son will be 2 in October. I've managed to not drown him in the tub. (Ever try to give a newborn a bath? It's like trying to eat rice with one chopstick.) I've managed to calm him when he was frantic, change 4 million poop diapers, teach him where his elbow is and many other motherly tasks-all without calling major attention to the fact that I'VE NEVER DONE ANY OF THIS BEFORE!!!!! Yesterday, however, I showed the world my "first time mother" status with a flare.

Donnie had eaten lunch and I thought I'd give him a jello cup for a snack. I've never bought a jello cup (so I've never eaten one) but a friend had given me a whole pack. Don's been doing really well eating with a spoon so I gave him a jello cup and spoon, watched him for a few minutes to make sure he had the hang of it then I went into the next room. I had a lot of paper work to do so I was on my computer for a good 20 minutes. I could hear Don talking to himself in the next room. He's almost 2 now and honestly, who can choke on jello?? He was content and I was busy so I didn't go back in until he started to get a bit fussy.

I walked around the corner and the most amazing sight I'd ever seen was before me. Don was in his high chair and from his eyes down to his chest was COVERED in the fire engine red jello. He looked like the code red mountain dew version of the "Hulk" His little eyes had circles of red around them. There wasn't a millimeter of skin between his eyes and chest, where his shirt caught the rest of the jello wrath, that was the most brilliant hue of red I've ever seen on human skin. His hands and arms were bright red as well. I called Seth and we had a good laugh. We took pictures and video. Then I went to clean him off. This is where it got interesting. Did you know that jello will dye your skin?? I scrubbed and scrubbed. He was still red. I put him in the bathtub. The water and my brand new bathtub were both pink, and Donnie was still red. I had turned my beautiful little boy into a real life Bob the tomato!!

I had to run some errands and the 2 hour bath wasn't helping so I dressed my little tomato and off to the store we went. People were stopping and saying "Aww...did he get sun burned?" What was I supposed to say, "Oh yes, I'm a first time mother so I let him play in the sun for hours with no sun screen. When we leave here we're going to the doc so they can treat his 2nd degree burns." The truth wasn't a good option either. "No, he's not burnt. I let him have a jello bath. I didn't like that he was born white, I wanted a red boy." It was the fastest grocery trip I've ever made...

Today is the day after our jello incident. He's still a bit pink around the edges but I think another 24 hours in the tub and he should be back to normal. You know, everything else in this world comes with instruction manuals. Why don't kids???

Monday, May 10, 2010

Warped Humor

Yesterday was Mother's day. It was a long day for me. Seth (my husband and largest child) was really sick all day. I was tired and grumpy and not a very motherly feeling mother on mother's day.

I got home from church and Seth was hungry. You all know how I'm living out of boxes. Cooking is a bit of a challenge. I went to the store, picked up some noodles, chicken breast and cheesy sauce. I made a chicken alfredo. (I was impressed with myself. I have one pan. It's an electric skillet.) I was kind of grumbling to myself as I put my mess away. It's mother's day and I was having to make a meal, not going out to eat. I hadn't used all the chicken breast so I opened the fridge up and put the raw breast onto the top shelf, next to the eggs. Then it hit me, I wondered if I had just set the same hen that had "birthed" those eggs down next to her young. "Happy Mother's day, ladies" I said to the the top shelf. Guess yours went a little worse than mine. Then I started laughing.

Seth got his phone out and started to dial the number for the little men in white coats. (He has it on speed dial cause he lives with me) I assured him I was still sane. It just tickled my morbid sense of humor.

He deserves a medal for living with this strange woman...

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Feather Brain

Anyone who has met my Mother knows that she turns into a weird, strange, and often hysterically funny creature after 9PM. Last night I was talking to her and we were discussing weight loss. (A very depressing subject...)
Anyway, I was so upset because I've been on the strictest diet an working out for at least 30 min a day for a week now and I've GAINED weight!! How that is possible I do not's my luck. So, I was wailing to my mother about it. I needed her sage wisdom. My timing could've been a bit better. Why I waited til 9:01 PM to ask her this question I'll never know, but the results...

Me "Mom, why am I gaining weight? I'm eating 1200 calories a day and working out at least 30 min a day."

Mom said "Sarah, you know that muscle weighs more than fat. You're not gaining weight your just gaining muscle."

Me, "Mom, a lb of fat and a lb of muscle are still a POUND so why do ppl say that muscle weighs more than fat?? That's like saying which is heavier; a pound of bricks or a pound of feathers."

Mom didn't blink, she said, well bricks are heavier, duh! I started laughing. "Mom, I wasn't really asking you that, it was more of a rhetorical question." Dad and I are both laughing so hard now at the bewildered look on Mom's face.

Mom "I don't understand. Why are you guys laughing at me? This isn't funny. Why is bricks being heavier funny?

Dad "Anne, which is heavier, a POUND of bricks or a POUND of feathers?"

Mom "Bricks! Bricks are heavier!!"

Dad and I are laughing too hard to breathe by now and poor Mommy is so confused.

Finally we explain it in detail.

Mom's closing comment..."Well, I don't like being set up like that."

I love Mom. She's awesome...

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Unusable Armor

Kids have a funny perspective on life. No one sees things the way that small children do. Growing up my dad, and pastor, was doing a series on Wednesday nights on the armor of God. The helmet of salvation, sword of truth, breast plates of righteousness, shield of faith, feet shod with the Gospel.

My friend and I were about 9 and 12 (I was 12 and older and wiser in things of the world...) and just old enough to understand some of what Dad was teaching. One day while over at her house we were putting away dishes and just as serious as a heart attack my friend picked up two small plates, held them to her chest and said, "Look Sarah, breast plates of righteousness!!"

To this day I can't put away dishes from a dishwasher with out remembering the look of horror on her mother's face, instantly followed by hysterical laughter.