Monday, July 30, 2012

Because, I am the mother, I AM the mother, I am the MOTHER...

Today was one of those days that it would take quite a pay-off if you wanted me to repeat it. As I sit here in my comfy chair and look back I have to laugh about it, and if I have to laugh I think I should share because surely there are others out there who will find my pain amusing. (I always find yours amusing, so why not? :) It actually started last night. My angel dog who never gets into ANYthing decided that my husband's $800 dollar artificial tooth (for his missing FRONT tooth) would make an excellent chew toy. She ate it! Seth had to leave for the week and so he gave ME the lovely job of poop checker. Yes, he wants me to watch the dogs poop for the tooth. So gross, but $800 is $800 and without that tooth he's gap-toothed for the next couple of weeks. That is kinda awkward for a guy who leads singing for his church and is a salesman the rest of the week. People tend to stare if you have a hole in your mouth, especially in the front. So instead of letting Kali out to do her ick on her own I have to stand on the porch and watch her every move as I hold Danny and try to keep Donnie from pooping in the yard WITH Kali. (yes, he has done that) Donnie woke up this morning with hives. Have you ever tried to explain to a 3 year old why they can't scratch something that itches? Yeah, good luck with that! Danny woke up with a fever so he was cranky and clingy. No big deal, I'm super mom. I can handle that! Also, we are starting Donnie on a gluten and dairy free diet to try and help his allergies. He suffers from so many allergies and from what I read about gluten, even if you're not allergic it's hard for your body to digest and yada, yada, yada, this isn't a health blog. To make it short and sweet, gluten is in EVERYthing and if it doesn't have gluten it has dairy. So, cooking is a challenge and trying to fill Donnie up is like me trying to lose weight eating Ben and Jerry's. (ahhh, that sounds so good.) So, Mr. Itchy and Mr. Cranky were making my life a bit complicated and then I realized I was out of diapers and formula AND there wasn't much in my house that was gluten free so I HAD to make a grocery shopping trip. So, I let Kali out, checked her ick (so much fun) packed up the boys and was walking out the door when I realized my purse was missing. I looked, and looked, and looked, and LOOKED for that purse. I couldn't find it anywhere. I called my in-laws thinking they had taken it on accident because it looks like my sister in law's purse. No purse anywhere. Danny has been screaming the whole time and Donnie is "helping" me look for it by pulling clothes off hangers in the closet, dumping over laundry baskets, emptying out the fridge.... My purse has all my money and cards in it. I finally remembered that Donnie had been filching quarters out of it so I had hidden it behind my pillows on my bed. Good job Sarah, you just cost yourself half an hour and a LOT of irritation. I had to get some things from one store and other things from another. At the first store as I'm checking out I got SEVEN phone calls and FOUR texts. No one has called me all day..what in the world? I pack the boys back into the car and head to the next store. Of course my boys whined all through the store. Donnie was hungry, Danny had to be changed TWICE and he still isn't feeling well and his fever was up to 101.3. I finally get to the check-out and as she is ringing up the last of my items I realize I can't find my cards or cash ANYwhere. I check the diaper bag, my purse, the diaper bag, my purse, my pockets, DONNIE'S pockets...nothing. I look at the grumpy cashier and said I'm leaving the big one, taking the small one, I'll be RIGHT back I think my cards are in the car. Of course I'm checking out on the OTHER side of the store than where I parked and of COURSE I parked in the back of the parking lot thinking "Oh, I'll park back here, it will help me get my 10,000 steps in for the day." I am RUNNING thru the store with my 20+ lb kid bouncing on my hip. I get to the car, no cards. I JUST had them at the other store. I RUN back into the store. I asked the cashier if she could suspend my transaction. She kindly did so, and I parked my full cart at the customer service desk and decided I must have left my cards at the first store. I thought "No, biggie, I'll look up their number on my handy iPhone and call them." I can't find my iPhone. Not in my pocket, not in my purse, not in the diaper bag. I had left it at the register... Okay, found that now to find the first store's number and call them. No cards were left there. I don't usually feel like screaming, like a for real turn purple and scream just because I can scream. I was starting to feel like that might be a good idea at this moment. I KNOW I have those cards somewhere. So, I leave the FULL cart at the desk, pick up both boys, walk ALL the way across the store (again) walk all the way across the parking lot (again) put both boys in their seats and dump out my purse into the the floor of my car. There were my cards. Danny by now is in full blown "I AM SO TIRED IF YOU TOUCH ME AGAIN I'LL SCREAM TIL JESUS COMES" mode. Donnie was asking 4,000 why questions and begging to eat, ride the pony, not hold my hand, etc. Back into the store we go...and there is a little old man sitting on the bench outside the door. He's seen my grand exit, entrance, exit and entrance. I smiled at him and said "It has NOT been my day" and he smiled back and said "Well, you have quite a pair of cute boys." I almost asked him if he wanted them because they make good pets but decided against it. There was a mile long line at the customer service desk but after a while I finally made it to the front. They re-rang me up and I'm bouncing Danny for all I'm worth. They hand me enough change to buy food for a 3rd world country. I had left my emptied purse in the car in my deranged flight back into the store. Donnie is pulling on my skirt on one side, Danny is drooling and crying on my other side so I just place the change into the plastic bag with the milk, pick the bag up off the counter to place it in my cart and all 40,000 coins go clanging to the floor through a hole in the bag
. Donnie was like "Oh YAY!!" He's dodging under feet and saying "Here's another one Mommy!!" Tiny old women are being trampled as Donnie scavenges the floor for all the coins. I collect my son and what little (if any) dignity I have left and (once again) march past the little old man at the door to load my car up and GET HOME! As soon as my hood pointed home I started to laugh...Going to the store with two small boys is a challenge on ANY given day but I had earned my weight in gold on this day. Oh...and about Kali and the tooth. When I got home I let her out. She preformed like a champ and I dug through it and there was the tooth. It's now soaking in bleach. I'm never kissing Seth again. A saying from my childhood days has been in my head since this afternoon and I never really understood it until that moment I was walking out of the store for the THIRD time...or maybe when I found the tooth in a pile of poop and grass... "I will not lay in the floor and kick and scream, I will not throw things, I will not melt down into tears because I don't know what else to do because, I am the Mother, I AM the mother, I am the MOTHER...."

Saturday, July 28, 2012

Donnie (need I say more?)

Our church's camp meeting was this week. I love camp meeting. This camp meeting is where I met Seth, 8 years ago this week! This year was a little different however because I have CHILDREN. It's amazing how complicated they can make things. Donnie was in rare form to make things even more interesting. To start things off Donnie and I drove to Flint (3 hours away) on Monday to pick up Bethany, my sister in law, as a surprise for our family. They had no idea she and her little 5 month old girl, Faith, were coming! After we picked Beth up and had been on the road about an hour Faith got a little hungry so Beth climbed into the back seat to give her some snacks. I had stopped to get gas. When I got back in the car Beth told me that she had already gotten onto Donnie but she felt like I needed to know what he had done. She was standing up about to get back into the front and Donnie noticed her pretty skirt hanging there just begging for attention so he decided to JERK IT OFF!! She is in the back of my car trying to get her skirt up and personally if it had been me I would have been wanting to squash my little nephew like a bug. She's nicer than me though, so she told him why it's not nice to rip girls skirts DOWN. The next night (Tuesday) I was talking to Brother Larry Brown and his darling wife. You know that they are kind of "big shot" preacher's family and you always wanna impress the big guns. I left an impression alright. Brother Brown is a rather slight man and I'm not very tall either so I can really see his eyes, which is hard for a short gal like me. I wish I hadn't seen them... Anyway, I'm talking to the Browns and I'm wearing a knee length dress that is made of very light weight material. Before I go on, let me say that I am not a yeller. I very rarely raise my voice, it's just not something I do unless I'm super duper scared...or... Again, I'm talking to the Browns (For a short conversation it's turning into a long writing segment) and Donnie who has had about 15 lbs of candy thanks to all the people who think he's so cute so he needs chocolate, and who hadn't had a nap, and who was up about 3 hours past his normal bed-time was bouncing around like a tigger on "speed." I was trying to keep him somewhat still as I carried on this conversation and the next thing I know I feel the back of my dress hit the middle of my back. Donnie decided to flip my dress all the way up. Without thinking I screamed "DONALD LEWIS GREEN!!!!!!!" It worked! My dress was immediately dropped, however, my spittle was all over brother Browns face and blood was dripping from his busted ear drums and his eyes were as big as Texas. I really don't remember how I ended the conversation. I think I just turned around and marched Mr. Green Jr into the next room for a private "conversation." He was good the rest of the night. (And now he knows that skirts DOWN and dresses UP are BOTH no-no's) However... The NEXT night I was talking to a few friends and I turn around to look for my wild man and as I caught sight of him he was diving full force with an open mouth into my brother in law. Donnie bit him smack in the middle of his belly. Phil was just a little shocked. Donnie and I again had a private conversation... (And so now he knows that skirts DOWN, dresses UP and biting people, even crazy uncle Phil, are all no-no's) Needless to say, junk food, no sleep and lots of stimulating activity do not mix well with my 3 year old. Where was Danny all week? He learned to walk at camp meeting and in between rescuing people from Donnie I was bouncing him and trying to keep him happy. Also not easy... It was a fun, interesting week. Next year I think I'm going to send Donnie to Africa for the week and I will DEFINITELY never speak to Larry Brown again.