Monday, January 17, 2011

The Forbidden Fruit

In my teen years I traveled all over the USA with my family. I enjoyed being part of an Evangelist family. Because my family sang together we were often invited to banquets as the "entertainment." Have you ever tried to sing to a room full of people eating? Better yet, have you ever tried to sing to a room full of BAPTISTS who were eating? Let me tell you, they don't care a twit. If you were Faith Hill, Carrie Underwood, Bono or Elton John they wouldn't care. They MIGHT notice if you were Michael Jackson. Mrs. Smith would lean over and grunt to her hubby..."Looky there Bob! Them preacher kids is wearin more make-up every time I see them! I do declare...Pass the chicken, Dear."

One year we were invited to a new banquet. We'd never met anyone at the church. The preacher had just heard of us from a preacher buddy of his. We got to the banquet hall and we were shown where to set up our PA system. We got all set up and soon the banquet started. True to Baptist form they were all devouring the helpless poultry in fascinating quantities and in rapid time. In the midst of the fowl consumption the guy running the banquet gave us the signal to get up and sing. It's always a big deal to get SEVEN people and ALL their stringed instruments from where you were sitting to the platform. Once you GET to the platform usually one or two of the instruments has decided to come untuned and to avoid dead time dad starts talking.

On this fateful day he decided to tell the story of how my youngest brother came to the Fuller house. Joseph is the youngest and only adopted Fuller kid. Dad's spill on the subject goes along these lines..."The Bible says that the fruit of the womb is His reward. Some people aren't able to bear the reward of His blessings and because of this our family was given little Joseph." Today however dad must have drank something funky or he must have had too much fried chicken. As we were putting the final touches on the wayward instrument we hear dad say "The Bible says the fruit of the LOOM is His reward..." and in mid-sentence I saw something I'd never seen in a Baptist banquet. Every fork was stilled. Every eye was peeled to the front. The chicken in the coop in the back breathed a sigh of relief. They might be spared another day...
And my Dad is just standing there, face red, mouth open and he didn't know where to go from there. And, God as my wittness, the Pastor jumped up from his table and rushed to the front, grabs the mic and says "I don't know this guy! I had him in on a recommendation!" Dad looks at us and says "start playing 'Lord let us weep again'. It's the saddest song my family knew. WHY Dad picked that song I have no idea. We like to NEVER got through it. We sang a few more, sat our very red faces down and believe it or not that's the last time that church ever had us through!

We never let Dad talk again. (well, not for a long time anyway...)

Sunday, January 16, 2011

up and coming...

I can't believe how long I have abandoned the world of blogging so long! I am back and with many updates...but all in good time.

I've been so sick all day. I'm 11 weeks pregnant and my "pregnancy updater" says that the little one is the size of a grape. All I have to say is that this is one vicious little grape! (I've nicknamed it the grape of wrath!) I've been so sick to my stomach every day. And at weird, random times I start violently...well, you know.

So tonight I'm sitting in church and I feel it coming. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. Go away sick tummy, go away. Dad Green is preaching an awesome message and I just know I'm gonna barf all over the aisle if I move the wrong way. All of a sudden I feel it coming up. I gracefully move my large caboose up from the pew and try to glide to the back of the church in Julie Andrews style. As soon as I went thru the double doors it was a mad dash for the bathroom. I found out AFTER church that the WHOLE church could hear me galloping like a herd of rabid cows to the ladies room!!! I made it in time and that's all that matters.