Sunday, August 12, 2012

I've been committed

*All things posted have been edited and approved by Seth Green. :)

I'm watching all these 'young' couples who have just gotten married or who are about to embark on the INSTITUTION of marriage and I think to myself, ANYthing called institution needs to be thoroughly investigated before diving in. Insane asylums are institutions, which my mother says it's not so bad there, and schools are institutions. (How much did you enjoy THAT little adventure in life?) To better understand my musings I googled the word 'institution' and here are the definitions I got.

1. A society or organization founded for a religious, educational, social, or similar purpose.

Okay, that's not too bad, but the SECOND definition certainly rings a bell.

2. An organization providing residential care for people with special needs.

That is marriage in a nutshell. I really couldn't have said it better. Seth provides the residential care and I have the special needs.

Now that we have defined marriage we should continue on with my observation of these moony, icky, mushy couples. I just want to boink her in the eyes and say "I give ya 2 years of his morning breath and crusty socks and that will wipe the romance right out of everything girl!"

Seth's on the other side of me scribbling a quick note to the guy, "Whatever you do, DO NOT have a kid right off. You think you know your woman? They turn into these eating machines, that whine and cry about pains in places you have never HEARD about and you never ever wanna see. Keep your head low once a month, and hide the kitchen knives. You have two good weeks out of the month before her hormones take over. When that happens TAKE COVER and say only two words. I'M SORRY!"

So what is the difference between love and REAL love?

Love: Dinner in candle light with rose petals.
REAL love: Lighting a match after your husband leaves the bathroom and scrubbing grass stains out of the knees of his pants.

Love: Morning pillow talk
REAL love: His morning breath wakes you from a dead sleep.

Love: Holding hands and smooching 24/7
REAL love: Watching him dig to China in his nasal passage and grimace as THEN he reaches for your hand, which you relinquish just thankful he didn't EAT his treasure.

Love: Just knowing that hubby will keep your car clean for you because that's a "man" job you'll never have to do again.
REAL love: Getting in the driver's side of the car, adjusting the seat and coming up with a sticky booger on your hand that YOU didn't put there.

Love: Falling asleep cradled in each other's arms.
REAL love: Counting the seconds in-between the next fog horn snore and thinking of ways to commit the perfect murder just so you can get some SLEEP!

Love: Romantic strolls through a park or on the beach.
REAL love: Getting stranded 2 miles from civilization and hiking the said 2 miles in heels because your guy forgot to get gas. (But doing it with a smile because if you say one word you won't need gasoline to fuel THAT explosion. Atomic bomb wouldn't have the edge on that..he's a ticking time bomb. Just smile and again think of the perfect murder.)

Love: Thinking he's the most handsome man on the planet
REAL love: Him showing you how beautiful you are when you're 2 years pregnant with your second child.

Yes, marriage is an institution. You have to be a little crazy to enjoy all of it. Although marriage has it's ups and downs and as I watch all these youngsters I think back to when I was where they are, and even though I'm not that old myself, if I had to do it all over again; I'd find Seth sooner and marry him faster. I'd also make sure he had a good life insurance policy for when I DO finally figure out that perfect murder...probably sometime early tomorrow morning as I lay there and listen to his tonsils beat each other to death.

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